Violentine’s day

Hey guys, happy Valentine’s day. Whether you’re married, dating, in an entanglement, in a situationship, FWB-iship, single pringle-ship, Titanic ship, it will end in tearship, any ship sha, it doesn’t matter, happy celebration to you.

I mean, that’s the ideal thing, right? Valentine’s is supposed to be celebrated and enjoyed by all, but this valentime (that’s not a mistake, I know how to spell 😏) has been hijacked by those relationship people. 😠😠

Honestly, those guys are doing the most please. From their valentine countdown, to flaunting their couple pictures in our faces, to the nonsense vendors and their For Him, For Her valentine packages. No package for single people, because we don’t deserve to be spoilt like fried rice ba? 😒

It is in the spirit of this that the Single Pringle association of Nigeria (SPAN) has decided to declare today, Feb 14 as Violentine’s day! 😈🔥🔥🔥

Our motto is simple: We refuse to be oppressed, and we’re fighting fire with fire. Oppression with oppression and unleashing violence on those relationship people mocking us. To move this ministry forward, here are some helpful tips:

1. Upload a random person’s picture on your social media page and caption it: Loml, bone of my bone, kidney of my kidney. It doesn’t concern you if the person is someone else’s kidney and your action causes problem in their relationship. 🥴

2. Buy yourself a nice gift, and post it on social media. Caption it: “Awwwnnnn, I can’t believe bae sent this to me!!!!!!! 😍😍😘😘😘 “My boo is the best!!!!!!!!♥️♥️♥️🤩🤩😍😍😍”
Remember, the more exclamation marks and emojis, the more believable it is. Anybody that comes under your post to comment “Lori iro”, thunder will deafen them. 🙄

3. Today is Sunday, therefore all SPAN members who are unit leaders in church MUST make their members wait behind for a compulsory meeting after church. Remember, you’re being a good leader by preventingyour members from committing fornication, and your reward is in Heaven.👼

4. This one is for SPAN members who have mind sha. Branch any eatery or restaurant, locate those seemingly happy couples doing his view, her view, and goan drag one of them for cheating on you. I hope you can run sha in case they wantu break bottle on your head. 🏃🏾‍♀️

5. If you’re a dispatch rider, open all the packages you’re delivering and take anything you like. Wine o, chocolates o, cookies o, one meat from the food or two sef, boxers o, perfume o, anything you fancy. No, you’re not being greedy because there is love in sharing. Make sure you wrap the gift back neatly sha. 😁

Bonus: If your neighbor brings bae over and puts on the gen, goan pour sand in the fuel tank of the gen, or off the fuel line. If you can climb, you can also help the neighbor to adjust the position of the DSTV dish. 🙂

Dear SPAN members, it is single we are single, we dinnor kill anybody. This is not the year we do “God when?” Under people’s lovey dovey pictures, this is the year we unleash violence on our oppressors. Can I hear an amen?