It’s after work hours, another day like yesterday. I change my direction from going home, the time says its 6:45pm which means I can make it to my favorite place on time. I have never understood why people try so hard to live, when you could close your eyes and never open them again. Everyday is hard, not because of the challenges but because it is agonizingly boring. The same routine, the same people, same work, same food and the same life. They say people are unpredictable but that’s not true, at the base everyone is the same. They want so bad to believe they are special but at the end we are just lines in different colors.
I used to think the same, I felt that I was special, I was unique and I was born to make a difference but I am not. I am like everyone else with my suit and tie trying to make ends meet so I can prove that I am not a waste of space. Sometimes I see people who shine so bright that they attract attention without having to do anything extraordinary while others spend their life working like a bull but never set apart, a lot of people are like this. There was a time I thought I burned bright, but I had a rude awakening and I have simply accepted that like Esau, I am not God’s favorite.
Perhaps, I was meant to just fill in the blanks like the extras in a blockbuster movie. I don’t even think I am even the main character in my life, I just swing in the direction of the wind. There are moments when I can’t breathe because of how suffocated I feel. Other times, I can barely feel anything, I am shocked out of my reverie by the silver Honda behind me, the driver who is a middle-aged man with a wide gap tooth cusses me out and drives past me and I sigh out loud, these are the issues, people are so angry that they are always ready for a fight. I wish I was that volatile.
I am distracted by the scent of the roasted plantain at the roadside, I look at the woman who has a child tied to her back, she fans the fire and has to cover her nose because of the smoke and once again I wonder why people try so hard to survive. Everything seems futile, the blandness of my life drives me crazy. Maybe I’m the only one who feels that way, I don’t find pleasure in anything, no excitement and nothing to look forward to each time I wake. I am free of the traffic and reach the end of the road, I get past the danger sign and I can see the hills from here, I have been to this place several times. I stop my car at the edge of the cliff and wonder if today will be the day I’ll jump.