Too early for this

Too early for this!

In the city of Abuja, there lived I… Abuja is pretty much chill when compared to the stories I hear happen in Lagos but it is not without its madness. This morning as usual, I got a cab to work and since my office was far from home, I usually have to do two drops every morning. It was alright when I started, the usual hustling for a vehicle and today I was very lucky to skip that part. There I was, chilling in the front seat with my ear phones listening to Oceans by Hillsong, it was morning and I had to bless my day so village people don’t connect to my network (very important stuff). I got distracted by the noise to my left and there they were… Two men with a cute height difference. They were exchanging words and kept moving closer to each other. I guess the tall one thought he could intimidate the shorter one with his height but I don’t think that went the way it would go in his head.

Tall Guy: I will slap you (raises hands to collaborate his words.)

Short guy: I dare you, try me (Moves closer)

Tall Guy: I will slap you (repeats gesture)

Short guy: I said try it and see (moves closer)

Me just watching the show and the Tik-Tok sound pops in my head… “Two best friends in the room, they might kiss.” I don’t know why because they don’t look like best friends and there was no kissing… That would have been scandalous!!! I think it is the way their lips kept getting close to each other and I wondered if any of them had taken their breakfast already especially if fish, onion and garlic was involved cos … well… the… you know… great aroma and all it entails. I don’t know the fight ended because my cab had moved away from the scene. Shortly after, very shortly… A woman in her car was raising curses at an Okada man. She was trying to open her car but she was in the middle of the road, the Okada man did not even answer as he sped off leaving her rants unfulfilled, the man behind her tried to get her to move, she turned the aggression on him… Poor guy just wanted to move.

It went normal afterwards until I dropped and got into a bus. I already knew it would not be a peaceful ride as soon as I heard “Embelembe” on the radio. A man had returned his wife back to her family house on the basis of her inability to cook, further investigation revealed the fact that the man drops 1,500 naira for soup for a family of five children that is seven people and expected a sumptuous meal. (Deep Sigh) You can imagine the uproar it caused in the bus with people voicing out their opinion about irresponsible men and unrealistic expectation. Next thing, the conductor started collecting transport fare. A man had paid 100 naira and was expecting 50 naira change since he wasn’t going far, the conductor could have chosen to answer respectfully but you know them, it is not a response if it is not followed by an insult.

Unfortunately for the conductor, the man’s temperament matched his complexion.

Fair man in a suit: Oya drop me here and give me my change.

Conductor: Even if you drop here, na still 100 naira I go collect.

Fair man in a suit: You dey try me o.

Conductor: No be only trial.

Fair man in a suit: Do you know who I am?

Conductor: You no fit do anything.

Fair man in a suit: Ehhehnnnn… No gimme that 50 naira, see wetin go happen.

Conductor: E no go pass Prison, na prison person dey go, come back.

Fair man in a suit: (raises voice) I go show you today.

Unrelated passenger: Gives conductor 50 naira on behalf of the man.

Fair man in a suit: No o…. Aunty take your money, I no dey collect. (Flashes card)

Conductor: (Realizes he’s a lawyer) I say you no fit do anything… e no go pass prison.

Fair man in a suit: (Stops replying)

Conductor: All these people, because of 100 naira (hands over the 100 naira to the man)

The fair man refused to collect the money; you could see that the conductor was already falling for his bluff. He tried to return his money but the man refused. A minute later, the conductor apologizes and the fair man replied that it was okay. He tried returning the money again only to be refused.

Me: You fit give me back my money o… I go collect.

People in the bus burst into laughter… They thought I was joking. I really wasn’t… The transport fare was killing me slowly, at this rate… I might not have enough to make it into heaven.

A beat later, an elderly man started scolding the conductor for the way he spoke to the passenger. I was like “medicine after death” in my head. Even the fair man was perplexed at the sudden reminder. A man who had been reminding the conductor of his stop asked again, the conductor realized that they had passed his stop. At least he felt sorry but he didn’t return his money, people in the bus kept scolding him. He replied that he had been conducting since 1986.

Passenger 1: How old you be?

Passenger 2: Okay, Laban ancestor

Passenger 3: Na im you never start to dey drive car.

The bus stopped for a passenger to drop. The conductor tried to enter the bus but the door slammed in his face, I lost it at that point and joined the rest of the people laughing. Even the driver couldn’t help it.

Passenger 4: E be like you get talent o.

Conductor: (Frowns) I tell you say I don dey do this thing since 1986.

I chuckled and called out when it got to my bus stop. I shook my head and checked the time; it was just five minutes past eight and it has already been one hell of day.